Forkers Central

this is serious business, guys. this is SOCKWAR.

what is sockwar? sockwar is hell. sockwar is like a game of assassin, only played with socks. much friendlier, edgeless, for a post-columbine world. i hold my sock in my hand, i hit my target, i find their target and repeat it in a cycle of senseless cartoon violence. only one can win.

my advancement in the league of sockkillers is hindered, however, by the strongest will i have ever encountered. my first five kills tied me for first place and i assumed the sixth would be the easiest yet. weak girl, science student, still likes avril lavigne.

lies couldn't fool her to leave her room (rooms are 'safezones', which is absurd), her friends couldn't be bribed. i put out a bounty but there were no takers.

i did a shameful thing. i committed an act of petty theft. in the wee hours of the morning, i came to her room and pried her whiteboard off the wall. took her markers, too, and then later on left a photograph that read 'if you want to see your stuff again turn yourself over to westaway.'

i was outside her room again today and i guess she heard me coming. her friend answered and told me off. i sort of stood there and spouted pleasantries to the tune of 'how were midterms? i like your earrings.' then i barged through her friend into the room, partly looking for other stuff to steal, and my target was in the closet. again, couldn't close in for the kill, she was in safezone.

i was then forced out of the room while she yelled (from the closet) at me. 'you're taking it too seriously! why would you take my stuff?!' her voice sounded on the verge of tears. i felt a weird and uncommon feeling that happens whenever a girl yells at me. i still don't know what it is; probably remorse.

it's now a war of attrition. do i hold out and wait for her to break? do i return her stuff knowing she will never, ever respect me? how can i become the number one killer if i still answer to my conscience?

sockwar is hell. there are no atheists in safezones.

p.s.

If you wrote a book...

I would be excited to read it.

If you wrote a book...

I would be excited to read it.

i'm applying for the bfa in creative writing. the cover letter requires me to list places i've been published and awards i've recieved.

'i am far below your requirements... both my parents suffer from mental illness.'

tl;dr

PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

ORLY?

i herd u liek mudkipz

etc.

tl;dr

PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

i was hoping for your advice the most

what's the best way to break a strong-willed girl

ok now that the proof has surfaced i can give you my wisdom

dick slap that ho I AM A GENIUS

i was then forced out of the room while she yelled (from the closet) at me. 'you're taking it too seriously! why would you take my stuff?!' her voice sounded on the verge of tears. i felt a weird and uncommon feeling that happens whenever a girl yells at me. i still don't know what it is; probably remorse.

She's playing you for a patsy. Never give up, never surrender. She was using feminine wiles to take you off guard so she could score a protective kill. I would say that the next step would be to take all of her stuff and hold it ransom.

i was then forced out of the room while she yelled (from the closet) at me. 'you're taking it too seriously! why would you take my stuff?!' her voice sounded on the verge of tears. i felt a weird and uncommon feeling that happens whenever a girl yells at me. i still don't know what it is; probably remorse.

She's playing you for a patsy. Never give up, never surrender. She was using feminine wiles to take you off guard so she could score a protective kill. I would say that the next step would be to take all of her stuff and hold it ransom.

i just got a lecture that my behaviour (as far as stealing the whiteboard, then leaving a box by her door with a sock in it) has been inappropriate and i am stressing her out and either i have to quit sockwar or tone down my behaviour.

am i right, am i wrong? my god what have i done?!

The world is wrong, Chris.

But if you keep quoting Talking Heads, maybe there is hope after all...

mmm bullying and stealing. sounds like a great way to play a "game".

While I think taking her stuff did cross a line, if she's so stressed out about it why doesn't she surrender? I mean, you obviously want it more than she does, so problem solved, right?

Don't go into her room unininvited anymore. It's stalky and threatening.

I know I sound like a p*ssy (I don't like that word), but sometimes boys get way too competitive. She sounds wimpy, but if you want to stay friends or be her boyfriend one day, I say retreat in a charming way.

Wrap up the all stuff you took in a ribbon made of socks tied together and write "Truce?" on it. Then back off.

Or dickslap that ho, like Phyllis suggested.

- Mere "like pulling pigtails" 1975

I say you turn it up to 11.

if you really want to kick it up a notch, you should make her a mix CD of Hank Williams' death and murder ballads and give it to her in the spirit of introducing her to Traditional American Song. that way you're sending her a message to make her capitulate whilst disguising it as edifying to her musical knowledge.

but i thought you said the sign said 'ur stuff.' that sign says 'US'. dare i call shenanigans?

hide in her closet and make fapping noises in the middle of the night. That'll fix everything.

aqua"loose cannon"phase
(a reference that only squeezle and rubbs will probably get)